Goodbye summer!

September 1, 2009

Despite some mad financial struggling this summer, I managed to make it out to a solid twenty-three movies this summer. More than any previous summer, I feel conflicted about whether it was actually a good one. Compared to last summer, the ratio of bad movies outweighed good ones, but in the case of 2009, I [...]

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Bruce Springsteen for the older, distinguished bro WIN.

August 27, 2009

Who wouldn’t want to be bros with anyone classically known as The Boss?
Bruce Springsteen, let’s do it. Let’s fall in bro-love.
I’m not going to shortchange your commercial viability. You’ve had four number one albums this decade and you are old as FUCK. Ultimately, however, do chart positions really matter? Back in the day you could [...]

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How the gays will take over ‘American Idol’… and eventually, THE WORLD.

August 25, 2009

Don’t you see the appeal of Cyndi Lauper as Paula Abdul’s permanent replacement? As much as Paula’s loopy behavior gave her a slight lean toward the gay appeal, you could never really call her a gay icon. Cyndi Lauper, on the other hand, continues to promote excess and mad gender-bending swagger. She’s clearly the right [...]

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Bromance again. This time, it’s personal: My plea to QT

August 20, 2009

Hey, QT. If there’s anyone who’s going to help me redefine the way the world thinks about bromance, it’s you, you ugly son of a bitch.
Clearly Seth Rogen was far too traditional for my cutting-edge swagger. If there’s anyone who stands firmly at the forefront of bitchin’ groundbreakin’ cockstompin’ trendtastic bearpower, it’s the director of [...]

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Gym teachers, sex, and violence.

August 18, 2009

Hey. Listen up, lady gym teachers. Step your game up.
You ever catch that seventies flick Carrie? Confusing business, let me tell you. I thought I was watching some really high class porn at first. It starts with Sissy Spacek slow-mo lathering herself up in the girls shower after an unsuccessful go at volleyball. It was [...]

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Bromancing the ultimate bro: My plea to Seth Rogen….

August 14, 2009

Seth Rogen, hear my bro cry!
After many phone calls, craigslist ads, and restraining orders, I’ve decided that Bradley Cooper is clearly not my man. Others might see this as a setback, but I see it as an opportunity to shoot for the ultimate bro. I don’t need some gayface who got his big start on [...]

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Wikipedia makes bitches ugly.

July 30, 2009

Wikipedia is trying to ruin indie actresses.
Remember Vera Farmiga from The Departed? I’ll give you a clue. She’s the only one in the movie with a vagina. Other than that film, she’s almost exclusively appeared in low-budget indie flicks and garnered great acclaim as such. Somewhere in there, though, I know that there’s a mainstream [...]

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Eric Jesus Video Blogger

July 29, 2009

I should make these more often.

E

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Michael Jackson, a little bit of Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, and a lot of questioning what’s appropriate…

June 26, 2009

I struggle with inappropriate observations.
First off, let me not be one to choose whose untimely death is more important than others. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon had some rough final days and I hope they were at peace at least in their final moments.
I’m trying to come to terms with this fire that fucking burns [...]

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Betty White: GILF

June 20, 2009

When I mount my high horse, I ride it hard. Why is ageist Hollywood casting Betty White as the kooky grandma when they should clearly be casting her as the sex object of many men’s affections?
I don’t like to pass judgements on films before I see th–oh, who am I kidding? I do and I [...]

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