No objective nature up in this bitch. I’m here to tell you how I really feel about San Francisco-based pop rock band Train and it ain’t pretty.
Of all bands to make a seriously baller comeback, scoring their first top ten hit in nearly ten years, it really really REALLY shouldn’t have been the laziest rhymers of 1990s-present pop music. In a way, however, I can almost take delight in their resurgence of popularity as their current hit “Hey, Soul Sister” is the ultimate in shitty songwriting.
Before we go in depth with that song’s massive shortcomings, let’s take a look back at Train’s previous catchy shitshows.
Train first half-assed their way into the music scene with their 1998 album Train (we can see how creative and original it’s going to get from here). You might remember their first top-twenty hit “Meet Virginia” which is famous for either its overly dramatic video featuring Rebecca Gayheart or the fact that it’s often mistaken for the eerily similar song “Closing Time” by Semisonic, released the same year. Either way, it’s somehow not being remembered for its achingly lame lyrics. As evidenced below, Pat Monahan and crew seem to have failed rhyming 101:
Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Holds her hair back as she screams
I don’t really wanna live this life
Thanks guys. Maybe you’ve made a statement here. I didn’t know that you could rhyme “life” with itself not once, but twice, and it could be considered acceptable for professional mainstream music. It gives me hope that I could travel back in time to convince my seven-year-old self that he too could be a Grammy-winning lyricist.
Yeah, that’s right. Train have won two Grammys. Not for “Meet Virginia”, but for their biggest hit, “Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)”. You’re sure to remember that gem for this little bit of words strung together near the end:
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had… and me
Look! I can do that too!
Tea-steeped love affair!
French-fried Fridays!
Mom’s pasta dish!
That time we skipped rocks!
Just throw two or so notes on the piano in the background and I’m a fucking rock star.
Things went a little cold for Train after that, but they’re back. Despite the fact that they’re in their forties, their lyrics have not improved. “Hey, Soul Sister” contains obscure pop culture references to Mr. Mister (which conveniently rhymes with “sister”), the television show Love Connection (because their love is like a game show?) and “Like a Virgin” (seriously, the line is “Like a virgin, you’re Madonna.”) Funny when you’re Family Guy; not so much in this setting.
Perhaps the most amazingly awful stretch of lyrics which showcase both their continually lazy rhyming which is borderline offensive is captured in these four lines:
The way you can cut a rug (Because we apparently live in the ’20s)
Watching you is the only drug I need (Love as a drug: perhaps not yet a tired concept)
So gangster, I’m so thug (YOU’RE A FORTY YEAR OLD WHITE MAN!)
You’re the only one I’m dreaming of (Insert standard pop lyric to end verse here)
So what’s the deal, bitches? Why is Train on our radar again and why were they there in the first place? Is it that warm sense of familiarity? Is it the way they wail the chorus to make it seem like it might be accomplished singing? Perhaps its that sexy crease in Patrick Monahan’s fivehead that makes your panties drop. Any way you spin that one, I don’t get it. I’m hard on Train because I’m totally jealous of their success. I wish I could be that mediocre and still be wildly successful.
E
