Sandra Bullock in 'The Blind Side' via Be Jack's Friend
Uh, because she’s a white woman, duh. Do we really want to start off a new decade by giving the award to the most evil race/gender combination known to man and elves? I digress.
Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m very fond of a good deal of Sandra Bullock’s work. I dug her ill-equipped emergency driver in Speed (never mind Speed 2: Cruise Control) and her tomboyish FBI agent turned beauty queen in Miss Congeniality (never mind Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous). Do we get the point here? She’s a mildly pleasing actress who is rarely ineffective, but who will compromise what little integrity her popcorn flicks have in order to collect a paycheck. Is this woman really going to win an Oscar just because she’s in a role that doesn’t suck?Don’t get me even wronger than you might’ve gotten me before. I didn’t dislike The Blind Side. It was a tad treacly for my tastes, and inspirational sports movies leave a sour taste in my mouth (fight me all you want, but Remember the Titans blew ass), but I felt that the film did exactly what it was supposed to do for its core audience. As for Sandra Bullock, I was relieved that her Southern accent, while still a little sharp at points, was much improved over her disastrous turn as Harper Lee in the other Truman Capote film which shall not be named. She navigates the whole tough-exterior-with-a-big-bulging-heart act pretty well. Why shouldn’t she? She’s been in the game for over twenty years.
The thing about Sandra Bullock is that she’s not so much a good actress as an excellent businesswoman. For years, it puzzled me to discover that she was one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses despite her inability to churn out $100,000,000 blockbusters. This is someone who knows how to collect a big paycheck for shitty films and make her money work for her through lucrative investments. She could straight up retire. As such, she won’t anytime soon because everyone has decided to like her again.
Fine, like her all you want. I have my guilty pleasures. I’ll go see anything with Rose McGowan. Does this mean I think Rose McGowan should collect an Oscar for any of her work up to this point? Gag me at the thought of it. Here are four iron-clad reasons why Sandra Bullock should go home empty-handed at the Oscars this year.
1. Julia Roberts
What I’m seeing is a repeat of the Julia Roberts situation with Erin Brockovich. There’s a really likable actress with questionable film choices who takes on the role of a Southern woman who exists in real life and it seems like the perfect opportunity to throw a veteran a bone. So despite the fact that every other actress was approximately one-thousand-nine-hundred-eighty-eight times better than her (and I’m still smarting from the fact that neither Joan Allen nor Laura Linney have collected Oscars) Julia Roberts showed up to the Oscars with a really important dress and a really important hairdo and left with a really important Oscar. On top of all of that, I thought Julia Roberts was much better in Erin Brockovich than Sandra Bullock was in The Blind Side.
2. Eddie Murphy
When Eddie Murphy was featured in Norbit shortly before the Oscars were handed out, he kissed goodbye any chance he had of taking home an (equally undeserved) Oscar for Dreamgirls. If I have to give a pass for The Proposal because people actually enjoyed that flick, I can’t imagine why anyone would give her a pass for All About Steve. Sure, neither of these movies were released after The Blind Side craze, but let’s continue to take away credit where credit isn’t due, aight?
3. Carey Mulligan
Come. The. Fuck. On. Has anyone seen An Education? Of course you haven’t. The widest release it’s ever had was 317 theaters versus 3,407 for The Blind Side. Mulligan, in spite of being in her early twenties and acting alongside some of the most established British actors living today, manages to knock it out of the park for every second of her performance. She is that film. That film is better than The Blind Side. Need more actresses that gave better performances last year? How about Meryl Streep, Gabourey Sidibe, Helen Mirren, and Tilda Swinton. There! Altogether, you have five. No need for Sandra Bullock.
4. Sandra Sequel
Let’s think of the title for the likely sequel to The Blind Side which will make Sandra Bullock a billionaire. The Blinder Side, The Blind Side 2: The Deaf Side, The Blind Side: The Next Tackle, The Blind Side 2: Blinder & Blonder. Remember, this is a business woman, not an accomplished actress.
Listen, do what you want. It’s not like I ever have faith in awards shows other than the ones in my head. If, however, you Academy members have any shred of dignity, correct the mistake you made with Julia Roberts and continue on with that uncanny foresight you had when you didn’t give Kate Hudson an Oscar. Somehow I’ll live either way. I’m just convinced that it will be easier to breathe in a world where the only naked man in Sandra Bullock’s house is her creepy looking husband.
Thank you for your time. Go Colts.
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