Crazy White Bitch and Beyonce via YouTube images
I’ve played around with this concept for some time, but it all seems to be coming full circle. White women are the new pop cultural face of insanity. It seemed for some time that the entire black race would be set back by the ludicrous actions of many a Tyler Perry heroine, but you need not worry. There is simply no controversy when it comes to the batshit antics of caucasianistas.
As a product of the vidiot age, knowledge of cultural norms and uh, other important shit stick so much better when I can see clear visual representation. This especially helps when there’s a big screen involved. My first indication that the white woman was a lunatic force with enough mad energy to power a town and enough ravenous desire to gobble said town up was in the delightful Fatal Attraction retread Obsessed. Released in 2010, Obsessed is not a new topic for this blog. I’ve probably used it as a reference in many pop culture trends at least once a day in conversation or written form since I saw it opening night last April. Anyone who’s seen me since then has likely gotten an earful about how Ali Larter’s character ruined the idea of a sane white woman for me. After all, we’re considering the extremest of all extremes in her characters’ actions. Despite persistent rebuffing on Charles’ part, Lisa drugs him, sexually assaults him, breaks into his home, chills with his kid (the nerve!), and finally ends up in a fatal altercation with his wife, Sharon. Who plays Sharon? Only the most powerful black woman in the world, Beyonce Knowles. This is a woman who scores $80,000,000 a year on recording profits, endorsements, investments, and general existence. While it may be argued that the role of a secretary turned stay-at-home mother is far from Queen B’s reality, she doesn’t exactly disappear into any of her film roles. There’s plenty of Bootylicious in this fierce woman of color.
So it’s not Sharon’s life Lisa is ruining. That’s Beyonce’s man. Beyonce’s child. Beyonce’s house. It’s inconceivable to me that anyone who sees this film would think otherwise. Is race the key factor here? It’s debatable, but in the end my heart tells me that it’s Lisa’s “cauc-iness” which leaves her vulnerable to Sharon’s stiletto-fu skills, which she likely picked up between perms and yoga. The fabulous hard-working black goddess with an ass that goes on for days manages to vanquish the skinny white bitch.
For some time, I wondered if Obsessed were a one-shot warning to white women that their fucked-up ways were being noticed and would not necessarily be tolerated. Recently, I have learned that this hysteria did not begin with crazy Lisa, and will certainly not end with it.
There are many reasons to lament the success of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. Beyond the fact that its action sequences are heinously conceived and executed and it has no momentum to sustain over the course of four novels, it is just the juggernaut needed to capitalize on America’s craving for the unhinged white woman.
Is the fact that Bella Swan is merely a girl of eighteen years a solid excuse for her actions? When I read the books two years ago, I found ways to justify her actions. It’s normal to feel that way about a boy, right? It makes total sense that a teenaged girl would engage in the shadiest behavior because the man who was too good to conceive of in dreams peaced out on her for seemingly forever ever. Right? Once again, that big screen element drills it into my skull and I’m forced to come to terms with the steady stream of madness permeating my sense of security. While watching The Twilight Saga: New Moon, I saw Bella disregard the apparently welcome attentions of the smokin’ hot werewolf with a six pack and jump off of a cliff so she could see the man who indicated that he never wanted to see her again. Never mind Edward’s actual intentions, when I saw her dive, I said “ONLY A FUCKING WHITE WOMAN.”
That’s right. Only a fucking white woman is going to repeatedly put herself in dangerous situations because of a boy who, to her knowledge, doesn’t love her anymore. Only a fucking white woman would do this while stringing along another hottie so she can get her vain kicks in while longing for something she thinks is better. It doesn’t help that she’s fucking with the emotions of a Native American with full intentions of leaving him high and dry once she gets the attentions of, yeah, A FUCKING WHITE BOY.
If you think you get my point and you’re convinced that avoiding bad movies is a way of shielding yourselves from this macabre of the fair-skinned she-bitch, think again. Critically-lauded films are letting more choosy filmgoers in on the concept. You might recall a few months ago when you enjoyed the independent comedy (500) Days of Summer. I don’t. I hated that flick more than Kate Hudson hates good film roles. Like Obsessed, the set-up involves an extreme opposite who is antagonized by an evil white woman. In this case, it’s the dorky, lovable, and achingly relatable Tom who thinks he’s hit the jackpot with quirky white devil chick. Like a polar bear, she lures him in with her sparkling white teeth and blinding white complexion until she rips him apart and leaves him. Unlike the stellar aforementioned Beyonce vehicle, however, the ivory villainess does not get crushed by a chandelier. After toying with Tom’s emotions and giving more mixed signals than a Navajo who’s hit too much peyote, Summer marries some guy she’s known for a few months. Since the movie is hung up on being a realistic portrayal of a doomed relationship, Tom has to lift our spirits by learning from his shitty experience and moving on, all the while not holding a grudge against his vile ex. By the last fifteen minutes of the movie, I was so far gone from being able to point out the good in Summer that the only way I would’ve been okay with the film is if she had pulled a Charlotte Gainsbourg move from Antichrist.
Cinematic experiences can only do so much to present an idea or further fuel a concept. I’ll usually catch a film once and be satisfied with my immediate reaction (though I’ve seen Obsessed so many more times than I could try to count). Luckily, it turns out that my point is clearly enforced by the fact that 2009/2010 radio has become a cochlear implant repeating the exploits of none other than psychotic-ass white women.
Yes, I’m talking about Lady GaGa. I’m not even suggesting that what she’s doing is something I don’t like. Her presence often gives me that rare blood condition known as “an erection”. I can recognize, however, that she and her gigantic record label are using glamor and catchy beats to disguise the fact that they are justifying the behavior of maniacal pasty bitches. Her songs’ themes hit upon textbook cases of general insanity, let alone those actions that have categorized today’s subject. Some are, but not limited to:
- Getting so high that, despite having misplaced all personal belongings, one continues to gyrate
- Having sex with a man while thinking about a woman (I have so little experience with this and am unwilling to alter my perspective)
- Stalking the famous
- Basing romantic satisfaction on the titles of Hitchock films
- Straddling a painful-sounding phallic substitute known as a “disco stick”
This is not to mention the visual nature of her electric presence. The lady can often be spotted donning an alien facehugger mask, playing a burning piano, sporting razor blade sunglasses, and (shocker) killing her foreign boyfriends. She leads a constantly replenished force of wacko whities like Katy Perry, who slobbers on other girls for shits, and Ke$ha who kills time by crooning about vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet. “So what?” you think. “At least I’m enjoying it.” Yeah? Michael Jackson enjoyed Demerol. Chew on that.
Epidemics aren’t difficult to disregard, but this one is eating away at us without any immediately noticeable manifestations to properly scare us. Consider the terror I’m facing as a human being cognizant of this atrocious race of women when I realize the fact that the overwhelming majority of my friends are both white and female. While I’d like to believe that I am reasonable enough to not associate with individuals who engage in behavior that is too destructive to deny, who’s to say that one or many of my friends won’t soon start stealing the husbands of hard-working black women? Just as I cannot give blood because I’m more likely to be teeming with AIDS, white women appear to be so much more likely to fly under the radar before ruining all of our lives.
If you’re still not convinced, I do not mind that you won’t let fear grip onto you and keep you in a state of sheer terror. I will keep a vigilant eye for you. I will spend every waking moment tracking the movements of these beasts and making sure they aren’t making these difficult times that much more trying for you. I will protect your man, your house, and your child. I will do it with or without blessing.
White woman, enemy mine, modern pop culture has defined you. Your days are numbered.
E
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Only a fucking white woman!!!! lol I was seriously cracking the hell up through the majority of this!!! White women. . .