Because I don't want to feed Daniel's ego, this is a picture of Alexander Skarsgård via Men's Journal
My absence from blogging has not quelled my insatiable appetite for bromance, though I’m unhappy to report that my first legitimate attempt at elite bro-tastic awesomeness has failed miserably.
I must warn all who share my fever that he who deigns to seek bromance with even the marginally famous is in for a world of disappointment. Such is the summation of my short lived bromance with Daniel Fox. Consider the name. Beyond the fact that you probably don’t recognize it, we are dealing with one supremely excellent name. We start with “Daniel”. If you want to rock out some serious masculine swagger, you just can’t go wrong with a biblical name. Motherfucker was cast into the lion’s den and emerged unscathed. From a cultural diversity standpoint, the Book of Daniel also resides happily in the Jewish canon. This is no coincidence: Daniel Fox, in addition to being South African (just like my heroes Nelson Mandela and Wikus Van de Merwe), is a Jew. What of his surname? Fox. Beyond the fact that the fox is a sly creature with crazy sharp teeth, Daniel also shares this surname with vapid hottie extraordinaire Megan Fox, of the Transformers flicks. Since it’s obvious that all women want to be Megan Fox’s BFF, it only makes sense that I want my bro to be the male equivalent, right? This seemed like such solid reasoning at the time.
Daniel and I crossed each other’s paths at Everyman Espresso, where I’ve made him many an Americano while he stared intensely at shit like A Streetcar Named Desire as if reading with that much of a scowl on his face would transform him into a living, breathing Stanley Kowalski. He’d mouth the words as he read along. Once, I saw him sitting with his mouth agape for a solid minute before I realized that he was silently saying “STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”
So what qualifies Daniel to be my bro substitute for the famous gentlemen I’ve courted for bromance in the past? Daniel’s claim to fame is as the member of the sprawling ensemble cast of the HBO miniseries Generation Kill. That, in addition to his obvious, and maybe freakish, devotion to his craft (not to mention the fact that he was so often sitting ten feet away from me) moved him to the forefront of my bro dreams.
Despite a front of off-putting narcissism and unattainable swagger, Daniel accepted my proposal of bromance and things went well for us for a decent stretch. We engaged in important bro-activities like eating dinner while bitching about stupid whores and drinking (I did all of the drinking; he’s one of those loser actors who doesn’t defile his body with alcohol). We even went opening night to see Avatar and I’ll be damned if I didn’t buy his fucking ticket. For a time, I felt I’d found such a positive, if bombastic male role model in my life and soon, I’d reach camaraderie and masculinity quotas and spend the rest of my days sailing on a sea of male dominance. No need for romance when your bromance is mad baller.
As the remorseful tone of this entry suggests, ours was not meant to be one of the epic bromances of the twenty-first century. Daniel has succumbed to the evils of living in the West Village and has, I’ve heard, given up caffeine. As Everyman is no longer a convenient stop for him to sip water and brood, Mr. Fox has been a total nonentity in Eric Jesus Grimm world for two weeks now. Is this what it comes down to? Are straight men so devoid of emotional responsibility that it’s so easy to disregard a kindred bro-spirit? Maybe this real-life shot at male-friendship gold has just been the opportunity to realize that my error was always wanting emotionally unavailable hetero meatheads to fulfill my desire for a constant assault of machismo. Where do the flaws lie? Is it in my heightened expectations or his unforgivable unwillingness to Facebook stalk me?
In all, I wish Daniel well in his likely future of playing Banquo in regional productions of Macbeth and as recurring pathologists on various CBS crime procedurals. Me? I’ll be leading a much more fulfilling life writing blogs for all four of my readers (up 100% from last year!) and continuing to seek the bromance that has so often eluded me.
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