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Another installment in the Twilight saga can only mean one thing.

White women are still fucking insane.

When we last saw the white woman in my soul stirring piece, Are All White Women Total Psychopaths?, she was not doing so well. She was trying to steal Beyonce’s man, jumping off of cliffs to get her vampire ex-boyfriend to take her back, and taking a ride on your disco stick. I’m sad to tell you that things have not improved for the white woman and they may have actually gotten worse.

Two weeks ago, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opened to unanimous praise. This praise wasn’t for the movie itself and the unanimous quality may only come from various moods within me, but one thing was clear. This was a sharp and accurate portrayal of just how far honky bitch will go to let us all know that she is out of her damn mind.

Those comforted by the white woman’s uncanny ability to be unforgivably horrendous in her actions toward others and get away with it will be happy to know that Bella hasn’t changed since her ass-hattery in the previous installment. She may be sporting some serious new weave (crazy white bitch actress Kristen Stewart had just finished playing crazy white bitch singer Joan Jett), but she’s still thinking with her vamp hungry vag instead of her brain. Despite the onslaught of fresh vampires created by the psycho redhead white bitch from the previous installments (this time played by the girl who played the dumb blind white bitch in The Village), Bella insists on sticking with her boyfriend, Edward, and endangering his family and her werewolf bros, all bewitched by her crazy white woman charm. I have a hard time believing Bella is truly in love with Edward, but this is mostly because Kristen Stewart constantly looks like she’s smelling shit and not functioning as a happy human being. Not only does she lock lips that pig- nosed werewolf who sports neck tits but she, shortly before, indicates that she’ll abandon her disdain for marriage as long as Edward taps it. These are all the acts of a seriously troubled young individual who has all-too-quickly assumed her psycho white woman role in society. Because of her pale masked unassuming nature, the morons around her– humans, vampires, and werewolves alike– not only tolerate her behavior, but celebrate it and defend it with their lives. Would that Helen of Troy hadn’t send thousands of men to their death so that centuries of white women’s piss-poor actions wouldn’t be so fucking acceptable.

Crazy, unfortunately, doesn’t always lie within the boundaries of convention. Sometimes, it’s hidden behind the thin veil of “avant garde”, a concept likely invented by a white woman. No bizarre white woman knows this better than repeat offender Lady GaGa. Since we last left her, there’s been no end to the shenanigans she’s gotten away with because she has skin the color of Elmer’s glue. Most recently, she donned a priestess get-up to solidify her standing as Freaky White Oprah, complete with the ability to dicklessly sodomize gay men and shoot bullets from her breasts in the mind-fellatingly long video for her summer smash ‘Alejandro’. Honestly, what’s the deal with this white bitch? Was she sexually assaulted by a carny as a youngster living in Manhattan? Perhaps too many viewings of Can’t Stop the Music? Either way you spin her, it’s hard to stomach a woman who takes the lack of color of her skin to the extreme in terms of demonic possession. She’s like Linda Blair in The Exorcist with killer dance beats.

If these bombastic trends of film and television are too much for you to sample the evils of the beast, perhaps more intellectual and socially conscious fare can convince you that there’s a clear problem. Perhaps, like 50,000 Americans per day at this point, you’ve allowed yourself to become caught up in the Swedish adventures of Stieg Larsson’s Millenium Trilogy, beginning with inaugural jam The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Let’s think about this title for a second. First, let’s note that the title is not the literal translation of the Swedish title, the instantly catchy and charmingly appealing Men Who Hate Women. While I like to be a purist, I can’t say that this title accurately describes the experience you’re about to have when you escape into this twisty tome. Sure, the book is about men who hate women, but I feel that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo gives you a more solid understanding from the beginning.

Only a fucking crazy ass white woman is going to have a dragon tattoo.

Lisbeth Salander, the heroine of the series and the driving point of its popularity, is tattooed and pierced to within an inch of her midgety existence. A gigantic dragon on her back is a solid indication that a bitch breathes fire. Throughout the series, she tears apart every gigantic man who dares to threaten her by means of throwing punches, kicking testicles, setting fires, and swinging axes, among others. There are few adversaries who can even get close to fucking with her. This is plausible, as a woman so far gone to the white side can easily work off of her adrenaline when she’s in a scary situation. Does it surprise you that a white woman can terrorize in the fiercest way possible due to her superhuman ability to rock some seriously terrifying white-succubus-steez? It doesn’t surprise me. The only aspect that would lend more legitimacy to the concept of someone as frighteningly aware as Lisbeth Salander is if she were American. Have no fear, as American film adaptations are just around the corner. Expect lily white feminine lunatickery to beckon the call of Americans to the multiplexes in droves. After all, we’re hopelessly pussy-whipped by the idea that a white woman will fulfill her destiny and take us on a bumpy ride of chill-inducing ass-clown behavior.

As I write this in feverish solitary confinement, I’m less confident in my ability to take on a race of pasty golems with tits. Their powers are far beyond my comprehension and I’m afraid this battle may be the end of me. So, all 3.4 of my faithful readers, I need your help in the fight to eradicate the beast. It’s as simple as staring it into submission. Every time you come across an evil white woman, let her know that she’s not welcome in your territory. Give her the eye. You know what I’m talking about. Like, Blue Steel, only angry and constipated. With enough force and back-up, we’ll let them all know that this is a world of strong upstanding citizens unafraid of evil and alabaster bitchery. It is my hope that, when I next address the state of the white woman, she will lay dormant and we will have much more important matters to discuss. For instance, what are we going to do about this whole “Watergate” business?

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